REVIEW: The Two Ronnies Christmas Special 1984

‘The Ballard of Snivelling and Grudge’

Broadcast: Tuesday, 25th December, 1984

Character: Sir Guy

Since the early 70s when the supremo style and panache of superscribe, Jason king, rule supreme and was hardly ever off our TV screens, appreciation on the box by the man behind one of television’s all-time favourite characters, Peter Wyngarde, have been all too brief and few and far between. One such appearance was the guest star on The Two Ronnie’s Christmas Special on BBC television in 1984. For all self-respecting members of the Hellfire club, this is definitely one performance not to be missed.

gold robes – his horse decked out to match – his tousled locks flowing in the wind and his fine aristocratic features, he portrays a masterful and mischievous look. His majestic air is completed by a bird of prey perched on his arm! Here we have a man of style and authority, perhaps a distant mediaeval ancestor of the inimitable and illustrious Mr. King!

Sir Guy seeks out the two peasants, Snivelling (Ronnie Corbett) and Grudge (Ronnie Barker) who, apparently, dabble in the medicine of the day and who he hopes might assist his beloved daughter who, we learn, has sunk into a deep despair over a lost love.

His henchmen search high and low for the pair, but when the hunt proves fruitless, Sir Guy calls for his Sergeant at Arms. Alas, the poor soldier is unable to get a word in, as his Master cusses and shouts over him. Despite his inability to respond to a single demand his superior makes, the hapless subordinate is given the following warning: “I’ve had enough of you! One more word from you and I’ll have you beheaded!”

The tongue-tied sergeant at managed to begin a sentence, but the impatient Sir Guy once again cuts him dead before he’s able to finish – bellowing, “Answer me!” Again the browbeaten sergeant splutters and stammers over his reply, which is of course all too much for his Lordship: “That’s it!” he yells. “Off with his head!”

It’s at this very point that the two miserable peasants appear from the undergrowth, led by the soldiers. Sir Guy appears to rest more easily in his saddle as he has the two men brought to him. Snivelling immediately pays due homage: “Honoured to be in your presence, m’Lord,” he sniffles, then throws himself to the grand and kisses the horse on one of its hoofs. Sir Guy looks down from aloft at this… person and slightly puzzled and demands, “What are you doing?”

“I’m kissing your ‘orse, m’Lord.”

“Are you Snivelling?” inquires his Lordship, to which the ragamuffin replies, “No – Snivelling!”

Silent until now, Grudge now decides to chime in: “We ain’t done nuffin’ wrong, m’Lord… but we’d like 27 other offenses to be taken into account.”

But all Sir Guy is interested in is their ability to help his daughter, and so he enquires: “Did you two miserable creatures sell a patent medicine to a Freeman of the City?”

Grudge, fearing the worst, quickly replies, “No! No! We didn’t!… Well, we might have done.” He turns to his friend to get his reaction to what had just been said.

“It cured his constipation,” Sir Guy continues, quite oblivious to Grudge. “Do you think you could help my daughter? She’s fallen into a morbid flux”.

“Oh, I stepped into one of those myself,” Grudge sniggers.

Clearly not taking in anything the two down and outs are saying, Sir Guy simply continues with his concerns about his daughter: “She is much distempered!”

Concerned, Snivelling interjects: “Oh, we don’t do decorating!”

This latest interruption doesn’t go down at all well with Sir Guy, who demands: “You will give her your Ethiopian Elixir. The alternative is the rack!”

Missing the order entirely, Snivelling responds with concern: “Oh, she doesn’t deserve that, m’Lord!”

Angered by the obvious stupidity of the pair, Sir Guy makes it clear that The Rack awaits them if they fail to cure his beloved daughter: “For YOU! Followed by hanging, drawing and quartering!”

He instructs his soldiers to take the “learned gentlemen” to his daughter’s apartments but has a warning for them before he gallops off: “You have until the cock crows!” Snivelling and Grudge are left to ponder their fate.

“What do we do?” inquires Snivelling of his friend. “Well, for a start we strangle the cock!” comes the reply.

The action now transfers to Sir Guy’s castle. The two peasants are seated next to the young maiden’s bedside as she lies in slumber. While they are trying in desperation to hatch plan to escape, they fall asleep and fail to hear the wandering minstrel enter the room and attempt to comfort the tender young maiden, serenading her with this ditty:

In the meantime, Snivelling and Grudge have managed to find a secret passage from the castle and make their escape. Seconds later, in comes the girl’s anxious father who is shocked to find that the two peasants have fled. He immediately dispatches his soldiers to follow the escapees. Pausing for a moment, he listens to the content murmurings coming from behind his daughter’s bed curtains. Speechless, he takes another quick look and emerges with a rather puzzled look on his face.

At first light, the two peasants are being chased through the forest by Sir Guy and his henchmen – completely unaware that the fearsome Lord believes that its they that are responsible for his daughter’s newfound happiness.

With no sign of their quarry, Sir Guy halts his men in a clearing. “Cures! Curses!” he exclaims, producing a bag of coins. “I’ve brought them this 10 pieces of gold. I’ve never seen my daughter so happy. Someone must have given her the right medicine!“ Sighing, he tosses the purse over his shoulder and then gallops off to carry on with this business round the estate.

In the meantime, Snivelling and Grudge have concealed themselves in the very cunning disguise of a horse, and are making a getaway through the forest.

Written by Christine Whitnall