FAN FICTION: Interview with Sir John Cleverly Cartney

By Jean Orcutt

American correspondent, Jean Orcutt, conducted that last known personal interview with the well-known British socialite, Sir John Cleverly Cartney. This interview was conducted three days before his untimely and tragic death.

Sir John, you have been a-well known personality in British society for many years. Your presence is a must at any social function of merit. You are quite often considered the life of the party. What do you do in your spare time – any hobbies?

Sir John: Funny you should ask, and I mean that literally. Over the years I have enjoyed many hobbies – polo, sailing, travel, and of course, entertaining. Lately I found great pleasure in indulging my rather wicked sense of humour. I’ve always been fascinated by magicians, sleight of hand tricks, and practical jokes. I’m especially proud of my collection of practical joke paraphernalia which I’ve over the years. You never know when you will need that whoopee cushion or rubber spider. People would be greatly disappointed if something peculiar didn’t turn up at one of my party. It’s expected.

Have you ever had a practical joke backfire?

Sir John: Never! I am the master when it comes to timing and effect.

Lately there have been a rash of practical jokes played on foreign dignitaries and VIPs visiting the country. The Queen is naturally quite upset. Your name has been mentioned by some as a possible suspect. What is your response to these accusations?

Sir John: Preposterous! I play my jokes for laughs, not to hurt anyone, and certainly not my country. I’m incensed that people would even think I would do such a thing. I will admit, however, that I got a chuckle from the exploding cigar trick played on that oil Baron. He had no sense of humour at all.

Do you have any idea about who might be beyond the pranks?

Sir John: Haven’t got a clue – some big Middle Eastern syndicate, or perhaps organised crime who knows. I’ll be glad when they catch the perpetrator so people will quit pointing their fingers at me.

Now to change the subject. What can you tell me about the Hellfire Club?

Sir John: The Hellfire Club… oh yes, a most interesting organisation. Once upon a time there was a rather unique social club comprised a gentleman from England’s upper classes. The original Club originated in 1759 as a powerful political organisation which actually controlled the whole country and whose aim was to topple the government. Men gathered to indulge in some of the more ribald pleasures of the day; beautiful women, and revelry. Women were allowed merely as vessels for sexual pleasure. The term “orgy” could well describe the meetings. Obviously, political upheaval was never achieved – probably due to a lack of a strong leader and the presence of a thick alcoholic haze which blanketed their meetings. The Hellfire Club continued for many years as a rather harmless men’s Club until the women’s right movement stomped it into obscurity. A pity.

Recently I read in a newspaper report that indicated you add reorganised the Hellfire Club and that its existence was being targeted by Mrs Emma Peel as a male chauvinist, sexist organisation which has no place in today society. She says she intends to see it abolished once and for all. What would you say to her?

Sir John: Emma Peel… I’ve heard of her. Doesn’t she run around with that fellow, John Steed, tracking down criminals and solving crimes which have baffled Scotland Yard?

Yes, she’s the one.

Sir John: I’ve never met the lady, but she should keep her nose out of matters that don’t concern her. The Hellfire Club of today, for which I proudly take credit for its reorganisation, is comprised of fine, upstanding gentlemen. We prefer to partake in spirits and manly conversation without the company of women. It provides a safe lair where men can relax, let their hair down, and be themselves without the worry of causing offence. I dare say Mrs Peel has places where she can go to escape the company of men, so I don’t see why she is targeting my Club. She should stick to her knitting.

Perhaps if you invited Mrs Peel to attend one of your meetings as a guest, maybe she would leave you alone.

Sir John: That’s an excellent idea I’ll invite her at once. I’ve seen her picture – she’s most attractive. She would certainly find our Club most entertaining. She might even enjoy yourself. I also hope that Steed fellow will join our ranks as well. That should convince her we are a harmless organisation. Maybe then she will leave us alone. Perhaps after Mrs Peel has seen the Hellfire Club for herself, you could do an interview with her and then the rest of the world will know the truth.

What a great angle for a story. Thank you for this suggestion on for the interview.

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